The other night I went into my son’s room. It was nearing midnight and I was having a challenging time unwinding to fall asleep. This is new for me as I am normally the exact opposite. I am typically an early riser (crazy early) and early crasher, being in bed ready for coma-level sleep by 9 o’clock.
As I walked into my son’s room, lit only by the sparkly night-light by the foot of his bed, I kneeled down next to him, leaned over him, took his hands in mine, and kissed his little fingers. Then I brushed his hair off of his forehead and kissed his forehead, then his cheek, and then his little fingers again.
He is so precious when he is sleeping. I can hardly believe his body is growing as fast as it is…that he now takes up majority of his twin bed. My memories of watching him sleep in his crib as an infant seem so close, yet that was five years ago now.
As I held his hand I whispered “I love you so much,” and immediately as I heard my own voice, tears welled up in my eyes and began to stream down my face. The tears were of joy, thinking about how goofy he has become and how free he is when he dances around the family room during our impromptu dance parties.
Joy is realizing how happy my son really is right now.
He is truly shining! He has a whole tribe of people in his world who love and care for him, and he knows he is loved and that we are nurturing his natural essence.
As I held his hand I couldn’t help but let the tears flow, while recalling memories of my sacrifice, my pain, my fear, my courage…my hope.
Hope that it would all be okay.
Memories of those nights, three years ago when I was in this home by myself, wrestling with making some of the most difficult decisions of my life, while every step of the way discerning how each one of those choices would effect my son.
While sitting in my sons room, holding his hand, and watching his steady breath enter and exit his little body, my heart felt wide open. I have poured out every ounce of love I have in me, into this little boy. A little boy who is the reason for so much change, growth and clarity in my life. There are so many lessons I still plan to teach him, and so many lessons I have yet to learn from him.
It was my son who helped me learn how to truly love.
It was my son who helped me learn how to stand up for myself.
It was my son who helped me experience the butterflies.
He is my little five year old teacher.
Here we are, three years later and we are okay. He is okay.
He is more than okay…he is shining.
There are times lately, as I am absorbed in the daily work of building and living out my purpose, that the tasks of the day require my energy to pour into ten different directions. While I know my passion for what I am doing is the driving force behind the momentum and manifestation of fulfilling my greatest hearts desires and life’s purpose, it is often in those still quite moments of the late night or early morning when I gaze at my son and reaffirm that I can keep going.
I can persevere.
I can do what I’m being led to do.
Why?
Because at the heart of everything I do is my five year old son who is happy, shining, and thriving. He helps me shine.
Together….we shine.
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Kathryn Cloward is the founder and president of Natural Kidz®. She is a passionate and purposeful entrepreneur focused on helping children live healthy, whole lives. Through the Kathryn the Grape® children’s books and music not only does her childhood nickname come to life, she is sharing messages of self-love and compassion with children world-wide. Kathryn enjoys sharing the messages of inspiring people on her weekly internet radio show, The Ripple Effect® and keeping up on Facebook and Twitter.
